I was reading the naked redhead’s blog about an article in Psychology Today and it makes me think maybe I should be reading Psychology Today.
I haven’t read the article, but the blog post says the article is about how the disparity between our actual partner and the partner in our head can create tension and stress. So true.
My husband and I had a long distance relationship for over a year before I moved to Florida in anticipation of our wedding. Long distance relationships are easy because you aren’t tripping over each other’s faults all day. It’s all lovey-dovey. Well, it was for us, at least.
When I got to Florida and moved into his teensy one-bedroom apartment, things got really interesting. He had these habits (or lack thereof) that had me thinking THIS MAN DOES NOT LOVE ME WHY AM I HERE WHY GOD WHY ARE YOU TORTURING ME?
None of it was earthshattering: he has a hard time getting things into the hamper, housework is generally uninteresting to him, and he likes to go out with his buddies. All of this used to drive me insane, making me think he didn’t love me, didn’t care about my feelings.
But you know what? All of it was in my head.
I bet he’s always had problems getting his clothes in the hamper, and he’s not just doing it to tick me off (and if this is not the case, don’t ruin my fantasy). Housework is uninteresting to most people, so why should he be different? His buddies aren’t bad people, so why shouldn’t he want to hang out with them.
When I stopped taking everything he did incorrectly (read: not my way, or not the way I wanted) personally, our relationship changed immensely. I learned to relax about the clothes on the floor.
The old me would be on my hands and knees scrubbing the toilet and cursing him for making me do EVERYTHING LIKE I AM HIS PERSONAL MAID. I DID NOT SIGN ON FOR THIS, BUCKO!
The new me will ask for help. Not nag, ask. (I don’t nag, do I, Honey?) I’ve also learned that if I want ten things done, it’s best to ask for only one or two things at a time. No one likes a big list, and everyone needs time to play his bass guitar. Right?
So I changed, and our relationship changed. He likes coming home and hanging out with me. He helps out with housework. I don’t slam doors and cry anymore.
The clothes are still in a pile on the floor, but if I had it to do all over again? I’d still marry him.
Thanks for the reference!
I definitely felt much the same way about my boyfriend until I read the article and remembered, “Ohhhh…his room was always messy before we lived together!” And then I remember that he will always help when asked.
Here’s another great part of the article I loved: basically, it says that couples that try to be scrupulously fair end up spending most of their time talking/communicating/arguing about being fair, instead of happily doing what it takes to make the relationship work, fair or not. The magazine itself is pretty “pop-y” but there are some really good principles and articles.
Anyway, thanks again for stopping by!
Wow, I just read TNR’s post too. Another pleasant irony – I didn’t know you read TNR – did I?
I identify with your statements and TNR’s vis-a-vis the whole housework/hamper issue. While it’s certainly not the reason (or even one of them, really) that I’m divorced, the housework/hamper group of things was definitely part of that bundle of straw that the camel was carrying. It was one of those “well, I suppose I can live with this forever” things.
PS: I was the one looking for a little bit of help with the housework.